


I'm Not Supposed to Love you Anymore

by evila_elf



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 18:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evila_elf/pseuds/evila_elf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trapper got his orders to leave. Hawkeye isn't there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Supposed to Love you Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> The song is called I'm Not Supposed to Love you Anymore. I have no idea who originally sings it, but the version I have is something I downloaded by Clay Aiken. One of my favorite songs (aside from Solitare) that I have heard him sing.

Trapper watched Hawkeye drive away for his three-day R&R in Seoul. There had been a lot of unpleasant words spoken between the two. Words he now regretted. Now, with his discharge, he wouldn’t be able to…maybe that is why he had planned it like this.

 _*We agreed that it was over  
The lines have all been drawn  
Vows we made, began to fade…  
Now they’re gone.*  
_  
Every one of his few belongings had been touched by Hawkeye in one way or another. They were too precious to leave behind…Why couldn’t he just leave the memories behind instead?

 _*Put your pictures in a shoebox  
And my gold ring in a drawer...*  
_  
He tried to smile, but he was anything but happy.

 _*I’m not supposed to love you anymore*  
_  
A young nurse, Trapper’s latest fling of the female persuasion, tapped at the wooden door. “So,” she said after getting the nod to enter. “This is it. You are really leaving.” Not a question, a statement, but Trapper nodded anyway. “Sure you are not going in front of a firing squad instead? Cheer up!” She offered him a weak smile.

 _*Sherry says she’s jealous  
Of this freedom that I’ve found.  
If she we me, she would be out on the town*  
_  
“He is going to hate you forever.”

That statement threw him. “What?”

“Hawkeye.”

“He’s a big guy, he can take care of himself.”

“At least wait until he comes back. No one is making you leave.”

Trapper started to speak, then stopped and turned to finally look over at the nurse. “Are we that obvious?” he asked, hoping that he was talking about what she hinted at.

“To some,” she replied.

He sighed. “He left on a bad note. I can’t face him. Not…not even to say goodbye.”

 _*And she can’t imagine  
What on Earth I’m waiting for…  
I’m not supposed to love you anymore.*  
_  
***

Only hours later, Trapper was on a flight heading for the states. Hawkeye should be back at the 4077th by now. With a smile, he imagined his friend returning to camp still hung-over from too much drink and too much party. He also wondered if Radar would have the guts to pass along his “message.”

 _*Oh I shouldn’t care, wonder where,  
Or how you are.  
But I can’t hide this hurt inside  
My broken heart.  
I’m fighting back emotions that I’ve never  
Felt before.  
‘Cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore.*  
_  
Trapper’s smile faded and he blinked his eyes, trying to clear away the memories and the tears.

The flight was due to be a long one, so he pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and started to write. He stared long and hard at the “Dear Hawkeye,” before he began to add to it.

“Dear Hawkeye,

I am so so sorry. I guess now you understand why I wanted to call it off.  
I do care about my wife and kids, but I found out that, in Korea, I could live without them. I am slowly starting to realize that I don’t think I could live without you, Hawk.  
Please forgive me.

Sincerely,  
Your Trap.”

 _*Now I’m writing you this letter,  
And it’s killing me tonight  
That you agreed when I believed  
It wasn’t right.*  
_  
Trapper was home now. He hadn’t been able to rest on the plane, so it had been almost 24 hours since he had last slept.

The bed was soft. Too soft. Would he give all this away for the small army cot back at the Swamp? For it to be Hawkeye’s arms that encircled him in stead of Louise’s? It was an easy question, yet he had no answer.

 _*And I couldn’t sleep up on the bed  
So I’m down here on the floor  
Where I’m not supposed to love you anymore.*  
_  
With painful slowness, Trapper crawled out from under his wife’s arms. He found the letter in his pant’s pocket, even more crumpled, then searched for a pen.  
 _  
*Oh I shouldn’t care, wonder where,  
Or how you are.  
But I can’t hide this hurt inside  
My broken heart.*  
_  
He carefully tucked the letter into a safer spot, then returned to the bed.  
 __  
*I’m fighting back emotions that I’ve never  
Felt before.  
’Cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore.*

What had he written?

“P.S. I know that I am not supposed to, but I still love you Hawkeye.”  



End file.
